You remember back in grade school, when writing a story they would tell you to answer the five w’s? Who, what, where, when and why? I’m giving it a shot to try and straighten out my own head.
Who: 3 of my brothers, a guy on the school bus, Derek, and my uncle.
What: Repeated sexual abuse.
Where: Everywhere. All over the house. His house. The school bus. My grandmothers room while she slept next to me. His room. My room.
When: From birth when I lived with my family, kindergarten on the bus with Derek, then everyday until I was 15 and my brother moved out, and then at 18 when my uncle groomed me.
Why: Probably sexual abuse with all of my brothers. Pretty certain at this point they were sold to my father for drugs for my mother. Who also sold herself to him and then had me. Brothers were caught touching me when I was a year old, and they would have been 6 and 7 or 8. I don’t remember this episode. Derek was probably sexually abused as a child also, with Derek only being a little older than me. My other brother was a freaking sadist. Likely also abused, but he had counseling. He didn’t have to take it out on me. My uncle was a deluded asshole who thought he was trying to fix me and my issues from all the others.
I don’t know why I thought of doing this little exercise. I just have always been very analytical, and thought working with the 5 W’s might help straighten things out in my head when they run together. I guess the sheer fact of it is, I was sexually abused through my entire childhood, and it was a result of my fathers pedophilia.
This is random, but I was doing some more research on enneagram types, and it occurred to me after I did the Enneagram personality test, and found out I was a 5, w6. or Five, wing 6. It makes me wonder how many people with trauma are a type 5 and 6.
The following is directly taken from the Ennegram website and is the brief description of the type.
TYPE 5: Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.
- Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable
- Basic Desire: To be capable and competent
- Enneagram Five with a Four-Wing: “The Iconoclast”
- Enneagram Five with a Six-Wing: “The Problem Solver”
Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.
This describes me to a T. However, I created this personality. This personality came from my need to be in control of my self and my environs, and having the ability to be safe by knowing how to respond in a crisis.
How much of this is real? How do I undo my training? I repeated my Mantra until I could feel nothing, and now I can’t feel the things I want to.
Now the question is, how do I save myself?